Letting go of the fantasy — why so many of us hold onto relationships and friendships that we shouldn’t

I’m writing this from my perspective of someone who came out of a long-term, fairly-serious relationship around 4 months ago. This was the second relationship of mine where I can say I genuinely was in love. The breakup of the first one took a very long time to heal for two reasons — 1. it was my first love and — 2. I held onto a fantasy that simply wasn’t true. Dealing with the recent breakup hasn’t been easy, but that’s mostly due to other personal things occurring at the same time, and something I’ve really learnt this time around is that in any relationship — including friendships — you need to let go of the fantasy.

When I refer to ‘the fantasy’, I’m referring to the daydream-like scenarios that we humans play out in our heads about relationships. We believe that the relationship was something when in reality, it wasn’t.

The thing a lot of us don’t realize is that a large majority of the pain we experience during a break-up has nothing to do with the relationship that we really experienced. Relationships always end for a reason. If the fantasy was real, the relationship wouldn’t have ended in the first place. It’s just when we reflect back on it, we think it was something else. There is often a long list of what each person did or didn’t do that led to all the fighting and hurt feelings. Most people don’t want back the relationship they actually had. What we mourn for is the relationship we thought we could have had if things had just been different. But the truth is, that relationship didn’t exist. It never did and is simply a scenario which plays out in your head.

Letting go of such fantasies can be painful. When the relationship first started there were expectations set for what it could be based on the good things that seemed to be unfolding at the time. Relationships often start great, otherwise, they would never have started, but the whole of a relationship is beginning to end.

Psychologists believe that because our mind is trying to heal our ‘heart’, the painful memories often get squished and shifted to the background, with ourselves focusing on the happier, good times. We forget who the other person really was, and how the relationship really was, instead opting to idealize who we wanted them to be and how you wanted the relationship to go.

This isn’t exclusive to relationships either, friendships too can be the same. Maybe you believed in your mind that your former friend was perfect to you, but if you actually think about it and why you’re not friends anymore, the truth will set you free.

The point here isn’t to stay angry at your former lover or friends but to remember the full truth of why the relationship/friendhsip ended. You cannot stick to the fantasy, you must let go of it and think about the relationship as a whole.

I’m writing this as self-reminder too — because it’s important to face reality and not dwell on what could have been.

Stay safe and well my friends, look after yourself — it’s super important❤